*Red lights go out, V12 engines scream like banshees possessed by five espressos, and the entire FDTV broadcast booth shakes so hard the coffee machine explodes!*
IT IS OVER! IT IS GLORIOUSLY, MADLY OVER! Fernando Horta takes the checkered flag at Watkins Glen International, completing five laps of absolute high-speed wizardry in seven minutes and thirty-one seconds! Seven minutes, duudes! Absolute scenes on the upstroke! Darren Phill trailing over seven seconds back in second place, and Dave Coulter rounding out the podium!
*Rewind sound effect: WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB!*
Let us go back, my friends! Back to the start! Darren Phill on pole position, but Horta sitting right there in second on the grid, licking his chops like a cat near a bowl of cream! Watch them sweep through the Esses! The aero is bending, the tarmac is crying, and the drivers are questioning their life insurance policies!
ToeJam (CTR Owner): Look at him go, man! That is some serious funk on the straights! He's floating like a butterfly and stingin' like a giant purple bumblebee with rocket boosters!
Earl (CTR Crew Chief): No time to chill, ToeJam! Look at Darren Phill trying to cover the inside! That ain't right, man, that just ain't right! But rubbin', son, is racin', and Horta ain't even rubbing—he's just teleporting past everybody!
*Loud airhorn sound*
And now, a quick word from our sponsors! Are your tyres feeling sad? Do your suspension springs lack the festive spirit? Then strap yourself into a pair of Brahma-Powered Rollerblades! Guaranteed to get you through Radial Leste traffic or straight into a gravel trap at two hundred miles per hour! Brahma: because walking is for people who haven't discovered four wheels and a V12!
We return to the action on lap four! Horta is stretching the gap! That is not a gap, ladies and gentlemen, that is an entire geopolitical border between him and Darren Phill! Olivier Papin fighting Jean Alarie down in fourth and fifth, swapping paint and dignity in equal measure! And across the line they come, one by one, twenty cars finishing the madness!
WHAT A RACE! WHAT A TRACK! UNBELIEVABLE! CALL THE MAYOR OF WATKINS GLEN, CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CALL EVERYBODY BECAUSE THE DUUDES HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!
