Session 808 - Autodromo Nazionale Monza, San Marino

January 03, 2010 08:15pm

Race

Quick Stats

Track Length: 5.783 km
Most Distance Covered: 3 laps, 17.349 km
Simulator Used: GTR2

Race report: Monza Meltdown: Barrichello Wins 3-Lap Sprint While Horta Suffers Instant Lap 0 Catastrophe

IT IS OVER! RUBENS BARRICHELLO CROSSES THE LINE TO WIN AT MONZA! BRAWN GP TRIUMPHS IN THE FERRARI 550! *screaming into the microphone with veins bulging on the neck* WHAT A SENSATIONAL SPRINT! But wait, my friends! Turn back the clock! Rewind the tape! Let us return to the very start of this ultra-short three-lap madness, because the biggest tragedy in Monza happened before the field even reached Curva Grande!

Galvão (FDTV Play-by-Play): Green light! Green light! No, wait! HAJA CORAÇÃO! Disaster at the back! Look at the JPS Andretti Maserati of Fernando Horta! It is smoking! It is not moving! He has not even crossed the start line and it is a DNF! Zero laps completed! Absolute catastrophe! Big Casagrande, what on earth did you see there?

Big Casagrande (Co-commentator): Well, Galvão, in my tactical analysis, if a racing car does not move forward, it remains in the same place. And when you remain in the same place while forty-seven other cars are accelerating at two hundred miles per hour, your chances of winning the Grand Prix are mathematically reduced. He finished forty-eighth. It is a tough day for the Brazilian.

Galvão: Brilliant analysis! A masterclass in physics! But the race goes on! Rubens Barrichello leads! But look at Tony Stewart in the Home Depot Lamborghini! He is driving like a possessed demon, setting a blistering fastest lap of 1:44.031! He is putting the pressure on!

[FDTV COMMERCIAL BREAK]
Are you tired of your five-hundred-horsepower Maserati MC12 turning into an expensive paperweight before the first turn? Try Brahma-Super-Coolant! It will not save your gearbox from immediate emotional collapse, but at least your beer will remain ice-cold while you wait for the recovery truck! Brahma: the official sponsor of those who do not finish.

In the pit lane, team principal Hugh Laurie did not look pleased with the premature retirement.

Hugh Laurie (Team Principal): The telemetry claims it was an instantaneous transmission seizure. But people lie. I suspect Horta simply saw the queue at the paddock espresso bar and decided three laps of high-speed vibration was not worth missing a fresh cannoli. We are investigating the car. And by investigating, I mean I am going to insult the chief mechanic until he cries.

Meanwhile, the radio waves were absolutely sizzling with pure, unfiltered despair:

Horta (#55 Radio): WHAT IS THAT NOISE?! Is the engine on fire?!
Crew (#55 Pit): Fernando, please stop screaming, our monitors are showing... actually, the monitor is just glowing red.
Horta (#55 Radio): It is dead! The car is completely dead! I did not even get to shift into second gear!

Galvão: Unbelievable! While Horta is already walking back to the motorhome to hide, Shakov in the USSR Lotus F1 Team Porsche 911 GT2 secures an incredible, heroic P3! He held off Dale Jarrett's Lamborghini by a mere seventy-five thousandths of a second! Barrichello wins, Stewart takes second, and Shakov rounds out the podium!

Ps. Dave, where are you?! At least you finished P32 in your Maserati, you beautiful survivor!

Disclaimer: This is a fictional, satirical report of a offline race against AI-driven opponents. All characters are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental

Classification

Position	Driver	Team	Car	Laps	Gap	Best Lap
1	RUBENS BARRICHELLO	BRAWN GP	FERRARI 550 MARANELLO	3	0:05:41.021	1:45.550
2	TONY STEWART	HOME DEPOT TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 02.249	1:44.031
3	SHAKOV	USSR LOTUS F1 TEAM	PORSCHE 911 GT2	3	+ 04.144	1:46.595
4	DALE JARRETT	UPS TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 04.219	1:46.317
5	PATRICK CARPENTIE	VALVOLINE TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 04.894	1:49.701
6	BOBBY LABONTE	CHEERIOS TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 05.583	1:47.983
7	SAM HORNISH JR.	MOBIL 1 TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 06.525	1:47.733
8	RICKY CRAVEN	TIDE TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 07.552	1:47.820
9	WALTER LECHNER	KONRAD MOTORSPORT	SALEEN S7-R	3	+ 08.286	1:44.702
10	PEPLEPEP	PAUL BELMONDO RACING	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 09.613	1:49.423
11	JULIANO FLORES	SCUDERIA LIBRA	PORSCHE 911 GT2	3	+ 11.065	1:50.047
12	MARTIN TRUEX JR.	BASS PRO SHOPS TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 12.285	1:48.123
13	MALLOZ	STRONGBOW BREWRIES RACING DPT.	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 12.843	1:50.597
14	FELIPE MASSA	SCUDERIA FERRARI	FERRARI 550 MARANELLO	3	+ 13.874	1:45.569
15	JJ YEALEY	DLP TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 14.177	1:49.680
16	TOM KRISTENSEN	REITER ENGINEERING	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 14.515	1:48.554
17	BRIAN VICKERS	RED BULL TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 14.696	1:49.870
18	EMANUELE NASPETTI	G.P.C. GIESSE SQUADRA CORSE	FERRARI 575 GTC	3	+ 14.951	1:45.804
19	NIGEL MANSELL	WILLIAMS RACING	SALEEN S7-R	3	+ 15.129	1:45.374
20	MARC DETERING	REDBULL RACING TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 15.236	1:49.777
21	MASSIMO	AGIP	FERRARI 575 GTC	3	+ 15.387	1:50.215
22	KARL WENDLINGER	JMB RACING	FERRARI 575 GTC	3	+ 15.876	1:44.459
23	MIKE HEZEMANS	FORCE ONE FESTINA	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 16.396	1:44.643
24	PETER KOX	REITER ENGINEERING	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 16.498	1:47.441
25	JEFF WARD	HERITAGE MOTORSPORT	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 17.636	1:50.300
26	HARRY GANT	SKOAL BANDIT TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 18.057	1:50.074
27	DENNY HAMLIN	FEDEX TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 18.316	1:47.309
28	THOMAS BIAGI	BMS SCUDERIA ITALIA	FERRARI 550 MARANELLO	3	+ 18.622	1:45.308
29	CLINT BOYER	DIRECT TV TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 18.896	1:48.448
30	JAMIE CAMPBELL-WALTER	CREATION AUTOSPORTIF	LISTER STORM	3	+ 18.993	1:44.340
31	JUAN PABLO MONTOYA	TEXACO HAVOLINE TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 19.188	1:47.027
32	DAVE	LOSEL RACING	MASERATI MC12	3	+ 19.290	1:51.720
33	MATT KENSETH	DEWALT-SMIRINOFF	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 21.026	1:51.718
34	CHRISTOPHE BOUCHUT	LARBRE COMPETITION	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 22.176	1:44.971
35	DAVE BLANEY	CAT TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	3	+ 23.082	1:52.812
36	PHILIPP PETER	JMB RACING	FERRARI 575 GTC	3	+ 24.443	1:48.483
37	JENSON BUTTON	BRAWN GP	FERRARI 550 MARANELLO	3	+ 24.861	1:55.913
38	EL LOCO	JPS RACING	PORSCHE 911 GT2	3	+ 29.931	1:53.195
39	STEFANO ZONCA	LARBRE COMPETITION	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 31.553	1:48.749
40	PAUL BELMONDO	PAUL BELMONDO RACING	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 33.293	1:54.017
41	PIERGUISEPPE PERAZZINI	MEGADRIVE	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 34.762	1:48.341
42	JULIEN GILBERT	FORCE ONE FESTINA	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 40.227	1:53.346
43	VAL HILLEBRAND	ZWAANS RACING	CHRYSLER VIPER GTS-R	3	+ 42.100	1:55.384
44	NIKO WIETH	WIETH RACING	FERRARI 550 MARANELLO	3	+ 44.390	1:53.678
45	M. REUTERS	OPEL TEAM PHOENIX	OPEL ASTRA V8 COUPE	3	+ 47.790	1:53.869
46	FELIX SABATES	BIMBO TEAM	LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO R-GT	2	+ 1 LAP	1:50.063
47	PATRICK PEARCE	LISTER RACING	LISTER STORM	2	DNF	1:48.532
48	FERNANDO HORTA	JPS ANDRETTI RACING	MASERATI MC12	0	DNF